Melting Away. Away from You.

Day 2 and I managed to get my ass up this morning and do the cardio and ab part of this routine.

Look, I know these people are professionals, and I know they devised this workout in a certain way based on what they know about the way things are supposed to work in the body. I get that.

But seriously… To start me out with freaking POWER YOGA?!

Have I mentioned that I’m fat? Because I am. Not ridiculously so, but still! Holding up my own body weight in weird poses is not really a great motivator to keep going with a cardio program. By the 2nd minute, I was ready to collapse into a puddle of shaky muscles and tears.

There’s also this thing they want you to do where you go from a down-dog into a runner’s stretch pose by - Get this - lifting one leg straight back and up off the ground, then swooping it under you so that it’s bent like you’re getting ready to start a race.

Yeahhhh… I have a belly. It’s not enormous, not by any sense of the word. But it does get in the way sometimes. And it definitely gets in the way when I try swooping any body part in from behind and underneath me.

Such was the case this morning. Oh jeez, that was hard.

But guess what? I kept going. The power Yoga part was only the first 5 minutes. The rest of the program was some weird leg work - Running in place, back-and-forth type things, jumping jacks and the like. The final part was punching and kicking. It was all pretty standard fare, and I fared pretty standardly at all of it. I didn’t go at the same pace as the video people exactly. And yes, I had to press Pause around 5 times during the course of the whole thing - 2 of which were at the beginning during the power Yoga part, mind you.

And the FINAL final part was the ab work. Again, it was pretty standard stuff: Crunches, side crunches, bicycle things, legs lifts, etc.

Oh, it fucking hurt. Bad.

But I got through it! It hurt and I was moaning and groaning and huffing and puffing, but I got through it.

So, fast forward to lunch time today. I had to walk with my boss somewhere. It wasn’t close, but holy crap, I had the energy to do it. My muscles are aching and sore, but I WANTED to walk and even kept up a pretty brisk pace! What the hell is that about?!

At lunch, we had a HUUUUUGE meal. I had the fish over red meat (WTF!). Normally, after a meal like that, I want to curl up and go to sleep, but I WANTED to walk back to the office.

DOUBLE WTF, PEOPLE!?

I guess things are working or finally starting to wake up in my body. That’s kind of cool. Weird, but cool.

Back to sculpting tomorrow. God willing, the soreness will get better before then, eh?

Just finished Week 1 Day 1 of the Power 90 program.

Before the workout, I took my pictures: Front, side and back. I did them myself, so they’re at weird angles and kind of far away. Whatever. They’ll do.
I also took my starting measurements, since that’s apparently what I’m supposed to be trying for, rather than weight amount. Holy crap! When did my waist get this big?? Why didn’t someone stage an intervention and pull the mashed potatoes away from me? Sheesh!

P90 - Sculpt I-II.

Good grief, it’s a bunch of arm lifting, mixed with some pushups and lunges. I’m using resistance bands instead of dumbbells. I’m not sure that I’m using the right resistance level. It might be too difficult, but hell, that’s what the package came with - That’s what I’m using.

I was doing pretty well, up until the 3rd circuit. I hit Pause about 5 times during the course of those last 5-10 minutes. Started strong. Ended weak.

Results: I’m freaking shaky. My arms, mostly. I’m finding it difficult to even type. For a sec there, even though this wasn’t cardio, my heart rate was a crazy kind of high, and that breathing thing was becoming an issue.

So be it.

I really fear the cardio tomorrow. This is where I always trip up… Both literally and figuratively. I am definitely not the most coordinated monkey in the tree - Not by a long shot. Something tells me I’ll be pushing pause-rewind-play a few times during the course of the damned thing.

That’s fine.

I know I have to do this. I really just have to keep pushing forward.

I deserve this, right? 89 more days to go. That’s all. I can do this.

I could make a whole bunch of excuses as to why I am the way I am now.

Let’s not sugar-coat it: I’m fat.

Yes, a whole bunch of things happened over the last 10 years - relationships, breakups, depression, mania, psychosis, medication, elation, more depression, job hirings, job lay-offs, financial problems, car problems, responsibilities, hobbies, sheer all-around laziness, and ten million other things that really just boil down to this:

Life happened. For 10 years, 10 years of life happened.

Just like it does for everyone (With the exception of those who are 9 years old or younger, but I digress).

I decided to finally do something about my weight this year. Well, that’s not entirely true. I decided to do something about my weight in 2002. Then again in 2004. Then in 2005, 2007, 2009…
So forth and so on.

What’s different this time, you ask? Well, I’m writing a stupid blog about it, for one thing. I’m really trying to make myself accountable here.

Additionally - And even though I know this should have little bearing on what I’m doing for myself  - I’m single and on my own again for the first time in almost 14 years. Really, that detail should be of no consequence at all, but it is. When you’ve been with someone for 4 years, then someone else for 9, and during that time you’ve transformed into a blob with very little confidence in your own physical appeal… Well, let’s just say it’s a pretty big motivator to not want to be perceived as a walking pile of ham by those you find yourself attracted to.

So here I am. And here’s what I’m doing:

I’ve cut down on my caloric intake significantly. I have cut red meat out from my diet completely. I have started using Beachbody’s Power 90 program. I’m not, however, following their recommended diet to a tee, mostly because a lot of it requires knowing how to cook, and that was one thing I never actually learned to do.

My biggest vices/downfalls are the following:

• Booze: I drink in social situations, because I’m a nervous person. I could confine myself to my home and refrain from putting myself in those social situations in order to stave off the alcohol factor, but it’s not likely that I’m going to do that. The goal, instead, will be to cut down on the alcohol intake during those social encounters, and to eventually learn to be social without the drinking. Naturally, I realize this is going to have an impact on my diet, and I’m willing to accept that. I’m making changes in other ways, and I’m hoping that will be enough to at least give me a start.
• Fried foods. Oh, dear god, fried foods. I await the day that someone can make a raw stalk of broccoli taste like a fried stuffed jalapeno or a carrot taste like a fried cheese stick. I’d give up a kidney for that.
• Dairy: I am lactose intolerant. My brain and tastebuds DO NOT CARE. I have always been a sucker for ice cream. It’s really the only “sweet” I ever actually crave. And cheese? Oh man, don’t even get me started on cheese. Let’s just say it’s astounding that I haven’t tried using cheese in a sexual escapade… Yet.
• Aversion to not being able to breathe: No, I’m not asthmatic. Still, I’ve always had problems breathing during workouts. I know it’s because I’m out of shape in a big way, and that if I keep doing the exercise thing, I’ll get better at it and will eventually be able to not feel like I’m going to die after 10 minutes of cardio. But it’s the initial adjustment time that usually makes me drop an exercise program. That shaking in the arms and legs, that hard breathing that makes me feel like I’m going to pass out… It’s no fun, and it’s what’s always makes me end up quitting way too early.
• Laziness: I’m lazy. I admit it. I’d rather sit here on my computer and look up stupid things than actually exert myself doing anything. It’s the reason my clothes are on the floor next to my closet, and it’s the reason I have a few unwashed dishes in the sink. And I guess it’s the reason I have reached the size that I now am, for the most part.
  This is the major hurdle that I will have to struggle to get over, time and time again. Absolutely.

Barring all of this, I’ve got mountains of determination and the want to feel better. I hate feeling tired all of the time. I hate putting on clothes and realizing that these pants are much tighter in the waist/thighs/ass than they used to be. I hate looking at myself in the mirror, sucking in my gut, and realizing that even when I do that, I still look crazy-fat. I hate thinking that if someone were to try and point me out in a group of people, they’d probably refer to me as “the fat/chunky/heavy one over there”.

I want to be better than what I’ve let myself become. Am I a decent person on the inside? Oh, hell yes. I’m an awesome person! I’ve got great qualities and traits and am generally liked by people once they get to know me. I’m kind, I’m generous, I’m pretty smart and sometimes clever.

And I’d really like to give people the opportunity to see past my physical appearance AND the low self esteem that it causes me, to see how freaking fabulous I am. Plain and simple.

So here we go.